Why Asking ‘Why Me?’ Can Be the First Step to Healing Trauma and Reclaiming Meaning

Wondering "Why me?" after trauma? Learn how this question can become a catalyst for healing, meaning-making, and deep nervous system repair.

Why Asking “Why Me?” Can Be the First Step to Healing Trauma and Reclaiming Meaning

Trauma has a way of shattering the stories we tell ourselves about the world, about safety, fairness, identity, and control. And in the aftermath, one of the most common and agonizing questions that arises is: “Why me?”

Maybe you’ve asked this in a quiet moment, tears streaming down your face. Perhaps you’ve screamed it into the void. Or maybe it’s lingered silently, under the surface of your day-to-day functioning, driving your anxiety, depression, or shame.

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we’ve heard this question from countless clients, survivors of abuse, betrayal, chronic illness, accidents, abandonment, and more. And while the question may feel like a roadblock, it can actually be a profound doorway: a starting point for meaning-making, nervous system repair, and more profound healing than you ever thought possible.

Why “Why Me?” Hurts So Much

The question “Why me?” often arises from a place of shock, grief, or injustice. It's a cry from the part of us that still believes in a moral universe, where if we do good, we should receive good. So when trauma strikes, it’s not just painful; it feels disorienting, even existential.

This question becomes especially heavy when paired with:

    — Survivor’s guilt
    — Self-blame or shame
    — A history of repeated trauma
    — Unprocessed childhood attachment wounds

It’s natural to seek meaning after trauma. In fact, meaning-making is one of the key predictors of post-traumatic growth, a concept in trauma research that describes the possibility of becoming more resilient, self-aware, and connected after surviving adversity (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004).

But Neuroscience Tells Us This: Trauma Disconnects Before It Can Integrate

When a traumatic event occurs, the amygdala (the brain’s threat detection system) hijacks the nervous system. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for logic, language, and meaning, goes offline. This is why you might find yourself stuck in repetitive thoughts, emotional flooding, or dissociation.

Asking “Why me?” can feel like searching for answers in the fog. But that doesn’t mean the question is wrong; it means your nervous system needs support to process it. This is where somatic and trauma-informed approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Somatic Experiencing, and parts work come in. At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we help clients slow down, regulate, and return to the question from a place of curiosity rather than collapse.

When “Why Me?” Becomes a Catalyst for Healing

The transformation happens not by dismissing the question, but by expanding it:

     — What meaning am I attaching to this event?
    — What old wounds or beliefs has this trauma reactivated?
    — What needs to be grieved, acknowledged, or reclaimed?
    — How might I grow from this, not despite it, but because of how I tend to it?

This is the work of narrative integration, the process of transforming trauma into a story, chaos into coherence, and pain into purpose. According to Dr. Dan Siegel’s research on mindsight and narrative repair, this kind of integration strengthens brain functioning, self-awareness, and emotional regulation (Siegel, 2010).

Reclaiming Agency Through Meaning-Making

Here’s the shift: “Why me?” is no longer a question asked from powerlessness, but from self-inquiry.

Consider how trauma-informed therapy can help reframe and rewire:

Old Thought New Perspective Through Healing

Why did this happen to me? What is this pain inviting me to learn or unlearn?

I must have done something wrong. No one deserves to be hurt; this wasn’t my fault.

I’ll never be the same. I’ve changed, but I get to decide what that means.

In EMDR, for example, clients reprocess not only memories but also the core beliefs that accompany them. These might include “I’m unsafe,” “I’m broken,” or “I’m unlovable.” Through bilateral stimulation and targeted memory work, these beliefs are replaced with adaptive truths, like “I survived,” “I’m resilient,” and “I can trust myself again.”

From Suffering to Sacred Inquiry

In many spiritual and philosophical traditions, the question “Why me?” is not viewed as futile but as sacred. It’s the human impulse to understand, to connect, to assign value to our pain. In this way, the question itself is an act of resilience.

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we invite clients to explore not only the psychological but also the spiritual dimensions of trauma recovery. This includes:

     — Rebuilding a sense of trust in self, others, or the universe
    — Exploring existential beliefs that were fractured by trauma
    — Engaging in practices of self-compassion, embodiment, and ritual

These elements can be deeply grounding for survivors who feel emotionally fragmented or disconnected from a larger sense of purpose.

How We Help Clients Turn “Why Me?” Into “What Now?”

Our trauma-informed, somatic, and neuroscience-based approach includes:

1. EMDR Therapy

To reprocess the stuck memories and beliefs that keep the nervous system in survival mode.

2. Somatic Therapy

To bring the body into the healing process through grounding, movement, and interoception, helping clients feel safe and present again.

3. Parts Work/Internal Family Systems (IFS)

To build inner relationships with the wounded parts that carry the shame, fear, and grief associated with trauma.

4. Narrative and Meaning-Making Therapy

To support the integration of trauma into a coherent, empowered personal story.

What If the Question Isn’t the Problem?

What if “Why me?” is not something to silence or escape but something to stay with, gently, until the nervous system is ready to metabolize the pain?

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we don’t rush this process. We walk with you through it. Our team specializes in trauma, mental health, relationships, sexuality, and intimacy because we know trauma touches every layer of who we are. You don’t have to erase the question. You get to rewrite the story in which it resides.  Reach out to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with our team of top-rated therapists and take the next step toward a regulated nervous system today.

📞 Call us at (310) 651-8458

📱 Text us at (310) 210-7934

📩 Email us at admin@embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

🔗 Visit us at www.embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

👉 Check us out on Instagram @embodied_wellness_and_recovery

🌍 Explore our offerings at Linktr.ee: https://linktr.ee/laurendummit

References

Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician's Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. W. W. Norton & Company.

Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic Growth: Conceptual Foundations and Empirical Evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli1501_01

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Stuck in Shame: Understanding Dorsal Vagal Shutdown and How to Regain Your Vitality

Shame can trigger a freeze response or dorsal vagal shutdown, leaving you numb, hopeless, or unable to move forward. Learn the neuroscience behind this trauma response and how somatic therapy, EMDR, and compassionate care at Embodied Wellness and Recovery help restore emotional regulation, vitality, and connection.

Stuck in Shame: Understanding Dorsal Vagal Shutdown and How to Regain Your Vitality

Have you ever made a mistake so painful or experienced a moment so humiliating that you shut down emotionally or even physically? Maybe your mind went blank. Perhaps your body felt heavy, sluggish, or distant. You couldn’t think clearly. Couldn’t speak up. Couldn’t feel much of anything. Just frozen in place.

This isn't a personality flaw or weakness. It's your nervous system doing its best to protect you. But when shame becomes chronic, it can trap you in a state known as dorsal vagal shutdown, a form of physiological immobility that leaves many people feeling helpless, numb, and stuck.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why can’t I move forward after what I did?” or “Why do I feel so checked out, even though I want to feel better? Your experience is deeply human, and your nervous system is responding exactly as it was designed to. At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we specialize in helping individuals understand the neurobiology of shame, reconnect with their sense of agency, and regain a state of connection, vitality, and self-compassion.

What Is Dorsal Vagal Shutdown?

The dorsal vagal state is one branch of the autonomic nervous system, specifically governed by the vagus nerve. According to Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), this state is associated with immobilization, which many people experience as freezing, numbing out, collapsing, or dissociating.

Unlike the fight-or-flight response (activated by the sympathetic nervous system), the dorsal vagal response is the body’s ancient survival strategy when neither fighting nor fleeing is possible. Think of a possum playing dead. It's a last-resort mechanism to preserve life in the face of overwhelming threat. In humans, it can feel like profound fatigue, withdrawal, foggy thinking, or emotional deadness.

Shame is one of the most common emotional triggers for dorsal vagal shutdown. It’s not just a feeling; it’s a physiological state.

How Shame Triggers the Freeze Response

Shame arises when we feel deeply flawed, unworthy of love or belonging, especially after violating our own values or being humiliated by others. When shame hits the nervous system hard, the body may automatically go into a state of shutdown to protect against the unbearable emotional pain.

This is especially common for people with trauma histories, developmental neglect, or chronic invalidation. If you’ve ever made a regrettable decision, cheated on a partner, relapsed after years of sobriety, hurt someone you love, and found yourself spiraling into self-loathing, this is your nervous system trying to contain a flood of emotional overwhelm.

The tragic irony? The more shame takes over, the more we lose access to the very capacities that could help us repair: our ability to think clearly, speak up, ask for help, or feel connected to others.

Signs You're in a Dorsal Vagal Shutdown

     — Feeling numb or emotionally flat
    — Difficulty speaking, moving, or making decisions

     — Overwhelming tiredness or heaviness in the body
     — Loss of interest in relationships or activities
     — Shame-based thoughts like “I’m a failure” or “I don’t deserve to feel better”
     — Detachment from your own body or surroundings (dissociation)
     — Feeling invisible, voiceless, or like giving up

This state can look like depression on the surface, but it’s often a trauma response stored in the body.

How to Shift Out of a Freeze Response: A Neuroscience-Informed Approach

The good news: the nervous system is capable of neuroplasticity. With the right support, it can learn to shift states from shutdown back into safe connection. But it’s not about forcing yourself to “snap out of it.” It’s about gently co-regulating with safety, compassion, and presence.

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, our trauma-informed therapists use modalities like Somatic Experiencing, Attachment-Focused EMDR, and Polyvagal-Informed Therapy to help clients learn how to recognize, tolerate, and gradually shift out of dorsal vagal states.

Here are some neuroscience-backed strategies that help restore functioning:

1. Start with Sensory Grounding, Not Cognitive Processing

When you're in a freeze state, your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for insight and logic, isn’t online. Instead of trying to “think your way out,” start by reconnecting to sensation.

Try:

     — Holding something cold or textured
    — Splashing cool water on your face
    — Pressing your feet into the floor
    — Naming five things you see, four you hear, three you touch…

These somatic cues help signal to the nervous system that it’s safe to return to the present.

2. Name the State Without Judgment

Say to yourself:

“My body is in a dorsal vagal state. This is my nervous system protecting me. I am safe now.”

Naming the physiological state without self-judgment helps reduce shame and builds interoceptive awareness, the ability to recognize internal bodily cues. This is a critical skill in trauma recovery (Price & Hooven, 2018).

3. Co-Regulate with Safe Connection

Connection with another safe human, or even an animal, can be a powerful way to bring your nervous system back online.

Try:

     — Sitting with a therapist or loved one who can hold space without judgment
    — Petting a dog or cat
    — Listening to soothing, relational voices (like an audiobook or guided meditation)

Humans are wired for connection. We heal in the presence of attuned, non-shaming others.

4. Use Movement to Mobilize the Nervous System

Once you feel safe enough, gentle movement can help your body transition from a state of immobilization to one of activation. This could be:

     — Rocking back and forth
    — Rolling your shoulders
    — Walking slowly outdoors
    — Doing yoga or tai chi

The goal is not to “exercise your way out” of shame; it’s to help the body remember what it feels like to move and be alive again.

5. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist

Recovery from shame-based shutdown is not a solo journey. A skilled therapist can help you safely access and process the origins of your shame, reconnect with your core self, and create new internal experiences of worthiness and vitality.

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we specialize in:

     — Attachment-Focused EMDR to process traumatic memories
    — Somatic Resourcing to restore safety in the body
     — Parts Work (like Internal Family Systems) to build compassion for the wounded aspects of yourself
     — Sex and intimacy therapy to repair relational wounds that often carry hidden shame

Why This Matters: Shame and the Loss of Self

When left unaddressed, chronic shame doesn’t just impact your mood; it affects your relationships, your career, your sexuality, your ability to receive love, and your sense of purpose.

In the dorsal vagal state, life feels grey. It’s hard to imagine change. But just like a body can thaw from cold, the nervous system can come back to life.

Your vitality is not gone; it’s just waiting beneath the surface, covered by layers of shame, fear, and protective shutdown. With care, it can be uncovered.

From Shutdown to Self-Compassion

What you did or experienced may feel unforgivable, but you are not unforgivable. The truth is, shame often stems not only from our mistakes, but also from how we were taught to perceive ourselves when we make them.

By understanding the neurobiology of shame and learning how to regulate your nervous system, you can transition from immobilization to engagement, from self-loathing to self-compassion, and from disconnection to reconnection with yourself and others.

If you’re feeling stuck, Embodied Wellness and Recovery offers integrative, trauma-informed care to help you rediscover your voice, your aliveness, and your capacity to love and be loved again.

Contact us today to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with our team of top-rated somatic practitioners, trauma specialists, or relationship experts, and begin your journey toward embodied connection, clarity, and confidence.

📞 Call us at (310) 651-8458

📱 Text us at (310) 210-7934

📩 Email us at admin@embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

🔗 Visit us at www.embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

👉 Check us out on Instagram @embodied_wellness_and_recovery

🌍 Explore our offerings at Linktr.ee: https://linktr.ee/laurendummi

References:
 — Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.

  — Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
  — Price, C. J., & Hooven, C. (2018). Interoceptive Awareness Skills for Emotion Regulation: Theory and Approach of Mindful Awareness in Body-Oriented Therapy (MABT). Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 798. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00798

Standard EMDR vs. Attachment-Focused EMDR: Which Is Right for You?

Curious about the difference between traditional EMDR and Attachment-Focused EMDR? Learn how a more relational, somatic approach can support healing from complex trauma and early attachment wounds.

Not All EMDR Is the Same

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a powerful, evidence-based treatment for trauma. But what many people don’t know is that EMDR comes in different forms.

While standard EMDR is highly effective for single-incident traumas, those with complex trauma, developmental wounds, or relational issues often benefit more from Attachment-Focused EMDR (AF-EMDR)—a more flexible, intuitive, and relational approach.

What Is Standard EMDR?

Standard EMDR follows an 8-phase protocol developed by Francine Shapiro. It’s structured, manualized, and research-driven.

Best for:

     – Single-incident trauma (e.g., accidents, assaults)
    – Phobias or panic attacks
    – Grief and loss

Key features:

     – The therapist is more neutral and directive
    – Sessions focus on identifying and reprocessing traumatic memories
    – Best for clients who are emotionally stable and securely attached

This method works beautifully for many, but not all.

What Is Attachment-Focused EMDR?

Created by Dr. Laurel Parnell, Attachment-Focused EMDR modifies the standard model to support clients with early attachment trauma, emotional neglect, dissociation, or complex PTSD.

Best for:

     – Childhood emotional abuse or neglect
    – Developmental trauma

     – Disorganized or insecure attachment
    – Complex PTSD and dissociative symptoms

Key differences:

     – The therapist is actively emotionally present
     – Uses nurturing, protective, and wise figures to build internal safety
    – Incorporates somatic resources to regulate the nervous system
    – Adapts the pacing to each client’s tolerance and readiness
    – Emphasizes relational repair as a core part of healing

In short, AF-EMDR makes space for the therapeutic relationship to become a healing agent.

Why It Matters for Complex Trauma

If you’ve experienced:

     – Childhood abandonment
    – Emotional invalidation

     – Ongoing relational wounding

... then you may have learned to survive through disconnection—from your body, your feelings, and other people.

In these cases, trauma healing requires more than a protocol. It requires connection, attunement, and co-regulation—all of which are central to Attachment-Focused EMDR.

What the Science Says

Attachment-focused EMDR is grounded in interpersonal neurobiology and polyvagal theory. Research shows:

Healing happens through relationships that are safe, attuned, and emotionally present—not just intellectual insight or mechanical techniques.

When a therapist offers right-brain-to-right-brain attunement (Schore, 2009), the client’s brain begins to rewire itself for connection, trust, and safety. That’s what makes this approach so powerful.

Which Is Right for You?

If you’re relatively stable and looking to process a single, distressing event, standard EMDR may be a perfect fit.

But if you’ve experienced years of relational or developmental trauma, or you’ve struggled with feeling disconnected, misunderstood, or overwhelmed in other therapies, Attachment-Focused EMDR may be the deeper, safer path to healing.

How We Do It at Embodied Wellness & Recovery

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we specialize in:

     – Attachment-Focused EMDR
    – Somatic trauma therapy
    – Integrative healing approaches for trauma, addiction, and intimacy issues
    – EMDR intensives for those ready to go deeper in a shorter amount of time

Whether you’re located in Los Angeles or Nashville or seeking virtual support, our team of trauma-informed clinicians will meet you with compassion, skill, and respect for your unique healing journey.

You don’t have to heal alone. We’re here to walk with you, to be your “empathetic witness.”

🪷 Learn more about our EMDR services
📅 Schedule a free 20-minute consultation with one of our top-rate EMDR providers
🌱 Explore our EMDR Intensives and Specialty Programs that Incorporate EMDR
📍 Serving Los Angeles, Nashville, and clients nationwide (via telehealth)

📞 Call us at (310) 651-8458

📱 Text us at (310) 210-7934

📩 Email us at admin@embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

🔗 Visit us at www.embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

👉 Check us out on Instagram @embodied_wellness_and_recovery

🌍 Explore our offerings at Linktr.ee: https://linktr.ee/laurendummit

References

Parnell, L. (2013). Attachment-focused EMDR: Healing Relational Trauma. W. W. Norton & Company.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Schore, A. N. (2009). Right-brain Affect Regulation: An Essential Mechanism of Development, Trauma, Dissociation, and Psychotherapy. The Neuropsychotherapist, 1(3), 1–13.

Shapiro, F. (2017). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures (3rd ed.). The Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.