Parenting Styles and How They Impact Your Marriage

Discover how different parenting styles impact your marriage, from creating conflict and tension to deepening connection. Discover neuroscience-informed strategies for couples to align their parenting approaches, enhance intimacy, and deepen their relationship.

When Parenting Becomes a Point of Contention

Have you ever found yourself arguing with your spouse over how to discipline your child? Do you feel tension when one of you is more permissive while the other is strict? Parenting is one of the most profound and challenging aspects of marriage, and differences in parenting styles can quickly escalate into conflict. What begins as a disagreement about bedtime, screen time, or discipline can turn into deeper resentments about respect, values, or even love.

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we often hear couples say, “We thought marriage would test us, but parenting really shook our foundation.” The truth is, how you parent together not only shapes your child’s development but also profoundly impacts the health of your marriage.

The Four Parenting Styles: A Quick Overview

Psychologists generally recognize four core parenting styles:

1. Authoritative Parenting
    — High warmth, high structure.
     — Balances clear rules with emotional responsiveness.
    — Linked to strong emotional regulation and resilience in children.

2. Authoritarian Parenting
    — High control, low warmth.
    — Strict rules, limited emotional connection.
    — Can lead to compliance, but often at the cost of self-esteem.

3. Permissive Parenting
    — High warmth, low structure.
     — Few rules, indulgent tendencies.
    — May foster creativity but can cause difficulties with boundaries.

4. Neglectful/Uninvolved Parenting
    — Low warmth, low structure.
     — Lack of consistency or emotional presence.
    — Associated with attachment difficulties and insecurity.

When spouses bring different approaches into the marriage, these differences can feel like daily battles over your child’s well-being, and by extension, your marriage.

Why Parenting Styles Collide in Marriage

Why do these differences feel so personal? Neuroscience provides insight: parenting activates deep, primal circuits in the brain tied to survival, safety, and attachment. When one partner feels their child is unsafe (too lenient, too strict, or neglected), their nervous system goes into high alert. This is why discussions about discipline or structure can trigger disproportionate emotional responses.

Common painful scenarios include:

      — Feeling undermined when your spouse contradicts your parenting in front of the children.
     — Believing your partner is “too soft” or “too harsh” and fearing the long-term effects.
     — Arguing about family routines, chores, or boundaries until communication breaks down.
    — Experiencing resentment when one parent shoulders more responsibility than the other.

These conflicts don’t just affect children; they erode intimacy and connection between spouses. Over time, partners may start to feel more like adversaries than allies.

How Parenting Styles Impact Marriage

1. Erosion of Trust

When you disagree on parenting decisions, trust between partners can weaken. You may question whether your spouse truly values your judgment or whether they respect your role as an equal parent.

2. Emotional Distance

Unresolved parenting conflicts can lead to emotional withdrawal. Conversations become transactional, focused only on logistics and discipline, while deeper intimacy fades.

3. Increased Stress

Research shows that chronic conflict elevates cortisol, the body’s stress hormone (McEwen, 2007). Elevated stress compromises emotional regulation and can leave both partners in a constant state of reactivity.

4. Impact on Sexual Intimacy

Couples who fight frequently about parenting often report less desire and connection in their sexual relationship. Safety, trust, and emotional attunement are prerequisites for healthy intimacy, and when these are compromised, desire diminishes.

Finding Hope: How to Align Parenting Styles

Differences don’t have to destroy your marriage. In fact, when couples learn to navigate them with curiosity and compassion, they can strengthen both their parenting and their relationship.

1. Reframe Parenting as a Team Effort

Instead of asking, “Who’s right?” ask, “How can we approach this as partners?” Reframing reduces blame and activates collaborative problem-solving circuits in the brain, fostering connection rather than conflict.

2. Understand Each Other’s Origins

Often, parenting style reflects unresolved childhood experiences. For example, a parent who grew up with harsh discipline may overcorrect by being overly permissive. Exploring these origins with a therapist can deepen empathy and reduce judgment.

3. Practice Nervous System Regulation

When discussions become heated, pause and use techniques like diaphragmatic breathing or grounding exercises. Regulating your own nervous system allows you to return to calm rather than reactivity (Porges, 2011).

4. Establish Shared Values

Sit down together and clarify your shared parenting values. Do you both want your children to feel secure, respected, and responsible? Agreeing on core principles makes it easier to compromise on strategies.

5. Seek Professional Support

Couples therapy, especially when informed by somatic and EMDR approaches, can help partners repair trust and develop healthier communication patterns. At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we specialize in assisting couples in reducing nervous system reactivity, resolving past wounds, and align their parenting with their values.

How Aligning Parenting Styles Benefits Your Marriage

When couples take steps to bridge their parenting differences, the rewards are profound:

      — Greater Unity: You present a united front to your children, which fosters respect and security.
      — Deeper Intimacy: Aligning on parenting reduces resentment, allowing space for emotional closeness.
     — Improved Communication: Skills developed in parenting discussions often transfer to other areas of the marriage.
     — Modeling Healthy Relationships: Children learn how to resolve conflict and respect differences by watching you.

Turning Parenting Struggles into Growth Opportunities

Differences in parenting styles are not a sign that your marriage is broken; they are an invitation to grow. By approaching each other with compassion, practicing nervous system regulation, and aligning around shared values, you can transform parenting conflict into a more profound sense of partnership.

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we are here to support you and your partner in navigating these challenges with grace and understanding. Parenting may test your marriage, but with the right tools and support, it can also be the very thing that strengthens it.

Contact us today to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with our team of parenting coaches, couples therapists, somatic practitioners, trauma specialists, and begin your journey toward embodied connection.

📞 Call us at (310) 651-8458

📱 Text us at (310) 210-7934

📩 Email us at admin@embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

🔗 Visit us at www.embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

👉 Check us out on Instagram @embodied_wellness_and_recovery

🌍 Explore our offerings at Linktr.ee: https://linktr.ee/laurendummit

References

      — Baumrind, D. (1991). The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Competence and Substance Use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56–95.
     — McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and Neurobiology of Stress and Adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904.
      — Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.

Touch-Starved Relationships: How Nervous System Literacy Can Rekindle Desire

Explore how chronic stress, trauma, and nervous system dysregulation contribute to touch aversion in relationships, and discover somatic strategies to rebuild safe, affectionate touch and rekindle intimacy.​

Yearning for Closeness yet Growing More Distant

In many intimate relationships, partners find themselves yearning for closeness yet feeling a growing distance. One partner may crave physical affection, while the other recoils, leading to confusion, frustration, and emotional pain. This phenomenon, often rooted in nervous system dysregulation, is more common than many realize.

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we specialize in addressing the intricate interplay between trauma, the nervous system, and intimacy.  By understanding how our bodies respond to stress and employing somatic strategies,  couples can navigate the challenges of touch aversion and rediscover the warmth of affectionate connection.​

Understanding Touch Aversion and the Nervous System

Touch aversion isn't merely a preference; it's a physiological response. When individuals experience trauma or chronic stress, their nervous systems can become dysregulated, leading to heightened sensitivity to touch. This response is a protective mechanism, where the body perceives touch as a potential threat, even in safe environments.​

Research indicates that individuals with avoidant attachment styles often exhibit negative feelings towards physical touch, especially in anxiety-provoking situations. This aversion can manifest as discomfort with gestures like holding hands or cuddling, further complicating intimate relationships. ​

The Role of Trauma in Touch Aversion

Traumatic experiences, particularly those involving physical or emotional abuse, can profoundly impact one's relationship with touch. The body, in its effort to protect, may associate touch with danger, leading to avoidance behaviors. This protective stance, while adaptive in threatening situations, can hinder intimacy in safe, loving relationships. Understanding this connection is crucial. Recognizing that touch aversion may stem from past trauma allows for compassion and patience, both for oneself and one's partner.​

Somatic Strategies to Rebuild Affectionate Touch

Reconnecting through touch requires a gentle, informed approach. Somatic strategies focus on body awareness and nervous system regulation, offering pathways to reintroduce touch in a safe and comforting manner.​

1. Mindful Breathing and Grounding

Engaging in deep, diaphragmatic breathing can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation. Grounding exercises, such as feeling one's feet on the floor or holding a comforting object, can anchor individuals in the present moment, reducing anxiety associated with touch.​

2. Gradual Exposure to Touch

Start with non-threatening forms of touch, like holding hands or a gentle touch on the shoulder. Over time, as comfort increases, couples can explore more intimate forms of physical connection. This gradual approach respects individual boundaries and fosters trust.​

3. Engaging in Shared Activities

Participating in activities that involve synchronized movement, such as dancing or yoga, can enhance physical attunement between partners. These shared experiences promote a sense of unity and can ease the reintroduction of affectionate touch.​

4. Seeking Professional Support

Working with a therapist trained in somatic experiencing can provide personalized guidance. Therapists can help individuals and couples navigate the complexities of touch aversion, offering tools to regulate the nervous system and rebuild intimacy.​

The Importance of Nervous System Literacy

Understanding the nervous system's role in emotional and physical responses empowers individuals to navigate their experiences with greater awareness. Recognizing signs of dysregulation, such as increased heart rate or muscle tension, allows for timely interventions, like grounding techniques or mindful breathing.​

By cultivating nervous system literacy, couples can better understand each other's responses, fostering empathy and reducing misunderstandings. This shared knowledge becomes a foundation for rebuilding trust and intimacy.

Embodied Wellness and Recovery: Supporting Your Journey

At Embodied Wellness and Recovery, we are dedicated to helping individuals and couples navigate the challenges of touch aversion and intimacy. Our integrative approach combines somatic therapy, trauma-informed care, and relational counseling to address the root causes of touch aversion.​

Through personalized sessions, we guide clients in developing nervous system literacy, practicing somatic strategies, and fostering compassionate communication. Our goal is to support you in rediscovering the joy of affectionate touch and deepening your connection with your partner.​

Rebuilding Affectionate Touch and Rekindling Desire

Touch is a fundamental aspect of human connection, yet for many, it becomes a source of distress due to past traumas and nervous system dysregulation. By understanding the body's responses and employing somatic strategies, couples can navigate the complexities of touch aversion. With patience, empathy, and support, it's possible to rebuild affectionate touch and rekindle desire in relationships.

Reach out today to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with our team of top-rated therapists, somatic practitioners, trauma specialists, or relationship experts. Discover how we can help you feel more emotionally aligned and embodied, and support your healing process.

📞 Call us at (310) 651-8458

📱 Text us at (310) 210-7934

📩 Email us at admin@embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

🔗 Visit us at www.embodiedwellnessandrecovery.com

👉 Check us out on Instagram @embodied_wellness_and_recovery

🌍 Explore our offerings at Linktr.ee: https://linktr.ee/laurendummit

References

1. 1. Field, T. (1985). Attachment as Psychobiological Attunement: Being on the Same Wavelength. In M. Reite & T. Field (Eds.), The Psychobiology of Attachment and Separation (pp. 455–480). Academic Press.​Psychology Today
2. Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.​Wikipedia
3. orges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.​